party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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