i think i have two assholes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
