I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
