I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
