Don't make out with my wife yet
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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