my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
