Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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