when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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