jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
