Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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