I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
