After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
