When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
