onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
