I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
