ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
