I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
