I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
