If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
