mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
