the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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