I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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