If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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