I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize