I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
