Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
