On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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