She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
