im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
