I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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