cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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