The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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