Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
