I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
