you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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