Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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