i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
