I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm both gender and math confused
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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