I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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