Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize