drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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