Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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