She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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