u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
