This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
