A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize