I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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