i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
