Swine flu. Run for my life!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
