So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
