he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
