i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
