When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
