Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
