We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
