I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Panties = found
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
