Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
