im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
