stop calling my apartment porn island.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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