Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
