Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
