im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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