Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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