dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize