Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Will exercising make me less horny?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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