It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize