she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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