He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Everything about him screamed your future.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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