today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
