The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
