There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
